Slice of Life.
I was just finishing lunch when a message from a fourth grade class via their teacher lit up the screen on my phone.
Anyone who knows me, knows what I immediately did.
Here is the snapshot of my notes that I texted back.
In my opinion, the sentence . . .
The house, a white stucco on Maple Street, was the largest I had seen while driving into town.
. . . written by David McCullough (Brave Companions, p. 138) is well crafted, just right for a mentor sentence. Read it out loud and notice how it reads with a bit of emphasis on the house, with a certain smoothness that causes it to roll off your tongue.
Here is what the sentence would be without the crafting.
The white stucco house on Maple Street was the largest house that I had seen while I was driving into town.
Do you see the changes? There are four of them.
Craft Move #1: Create an appositive
Instead of a single noun phrase (The white stucco house), McCullough gives us two– “The house” and “a white stucco” –by creating an appositive.
Usually we can’t create an appositive from words in the noun phrase. We can do it in this sentence because the word “stucco” that describes “house” is a noun and can be used in place of the word “house” when the house is one made out of stucco.
What is an appositive?
I liken an appositive to the “snap, snap” of rapid picture taking in the burst mode on my iPhone. The result gives me side by side photos of the same subject. An appositive is a noun or noun phrase that is side by side to another noun or noun phrase — following it, renaming it, making a “snap, snap” pattern.
Look again at McCullough’s sentence. Notice the singular emphasis of the simple subject (house). Notice the description that follows (a white stucco on Maple Street). The effect is a double take, a “snap, snap” that causes you to see the house again. This is the job of an appositive.
“The house, a white stucco on Maple Street, . . . “
Read both versions out loud.
The white stucco house on Maple Street . . .
“The house, a white stucco on Maple Street, . . . “
Do you notice the change in rhythm? When making revision changes, consider the rhythm of the sentence within the rhythm of the paragraph.
Craft Move #2: Use a noun phrase ellipsis
What is a noun phrase ellipsis?
When the head noun in a noun phrase has been mentioned in nearby text, the head noun can often be eliminated. This shortening of the noun phrase is called a noun phrase ellipsis. In a noun phrase ellipsis, the adjective functions as the noun would have functioned — as a subject, object, or complement in the sentence. In a noun phrase ellipsis, retain the article “the.” For example,
“The house, a white stucco on Maple Street was the largest house . . . “ becomes “The house, a white stucco on Maple Street was the largest . . .” The phrase “the largest” is an ellipsis of the noun phrase “the largest house.” Notice how the elimination of the head noun “house” reduces repetition.
Craft Move #3: Omit a relative pronoun
The relative pronoun “that” has been omitted.
A relative pronoun has two functions. It links the relative clause it introduces to its antecedent which is also the noun the clause modifies. And a relative pronoun serves as an element within its clause. For example,
The book that you like is mine.
1) “That” joins the relative clause (that you like) to “book” telling us which book. And “book” is the antecedent of “that.”
2) Also, “that” is the direct object of the verb “like” in the relative clause. Put in natural word order, the clause would read “you like that.”
When the relative pronoun is not the subject in the relative clause, it can usually be omitted. For example, consider our sentence again.
The book that you like is mine.
“That” is not the subject the verb “like.” It is the direct object. Therefore, “that” can be omitted.
The book you like is mine.
However, when “that” serves as the subject in the relative clause, it cannot be omitted. Consider this sentence.
The sweater that is torn was my favorite.
“That” functions as the subject in the relative clause “that is torn.” Let’s try omitting “that.”
The sweater is torn was my favorite.
It doesn’t make sense; “that” cannot be omitted.
However, reducing the relative clause in this sentence to a single word modifier — “torn” — will work.
The torn sweater was my favorite.
But that is another craft move for another day.
Craft Move #4: Omit the subject + auxiliary verb “be” following the subordinating conjunction “while”
After the subordinating conjunctions “while” and “when,” we can omit the subject or the subject + the auxiliary verb “be” if the subject of the subordinate clause is the same as the subject of the verb that it modifies.
Look at McCullough’s sentence again.
The house, a white stucco on Maple Street, was the largest I had seen while driving into town.
The subordinate conjunction “while” introduces what remains of a clause, “. . . driving into town.” This remnant of a subordinated clause would have had “I” as its subject and “was” as its auxiliary verb: “. . . while [I was] driving into town.”
This subordinate clause “while [I was] driving into town” modifies the verb “had seen” in the relative clause “[that] I had seen.” It answers the adverbial question, When had I seen? These two clauses are closely connected. You can clearly see this in the diagram of the sentence in Figure 2 above.
Notice that the subject of the relative clause (I) is the same as the subject of the subordinate clause (I):
“. . . [that] I had seen while [I was] driving into town.”
Because the subject is the same in these two connected clauses, we can omit the subject (I) + the auxiliary verb (was) after the subordinating conjunction “while,” reducing the clause to “while driving into town.”
Try it!
Use what you have learned to craft the following sentence.
The elk in the valley was the biggest one that I saw while I was hiking on Saturday.
Which craft moves did you use?
How many words are in your revised sentence?
My revised sentence-
I am always amazed how diagramming a well-written sentence causes me to notice craft moves that I can use to revise my writing.
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